Thrasher Magazine

SKATING WILL ALWAYS lurch forward in different ways and continue to mutate. But what if it evolves straight into a conventional sport? Coaches fighting over a prodigy draft pick, a heelflip scoring higher than a kickflip, cheating scandals during the playoffs. Damn... Say a prayer that it ain't ever so. The only silver lining to that nightmare scenario is that city-based teams might require some new logos. We’d be happy to help. (And don't come at us about these city line-ups. Teams can trade!)

Illustrations by James Callahan  /  Words by Adam Creagan


SAN FRANCISCO HILL BOMBERS

STRENGTHS: Hill bomb adrenaline  /  Access to the mag  /  Weird Andy Roy sightings  /   Even weirder Phelps sightings

WEAKNESSES: Bum-turd land mines  /   Burrito naps  /  “I used to skate” burnouts  /  Wealth vs. poverty disparity is a real shitshow

LINE-UP: Tommy Guerrero  /  TNT  /  Dennis Busenitz  /  Gerwer  /  Them GX dudes





LAS VEGAS STALEFISH

Strengths: No clocks  /  Pumped-in oxygen  /  Plenty of company when you hit rock-bottom

Weaknesses: Flabby tourists  /  Nightlife douchery  /  Blue Man Group skin rash  /  Elvis impersonators

Line-Up: Chad Muska  /  Braydon Szafranski  /  Ragdoll  /  Sammy Baca




PHOENIX SNAKE SESHERS

Strengths: Pools (if you know the secret handshake)  /  You can proudly wear your turquoise jewelry

Weaknesses: Sand in your bearings  /  Heatstroke  /  Wile E. Coyote  /  Snake bite may require venom-suck from Aaron Homoki

Line-Up: Jaws  /  Robbie Brockel  /  Nick Trapasso  /  Whoever got 3rd at PHX AM




SEATTLE BOLTS

Strengths: Motivated skaters  /  Dream-like skateparks  /  Skate Witches cast a spell on you  /  Bigfoot sightings

Weaknesses: Smells fishy  /  Noah’s Ark-type rain  /  Forlorn lumberjacks  /  Sasquatch attacks

Line-Up: David Gravette  /  Simon Bannerot  /  Griffin Gass





LOS ANGELES KINGPINS

Strengths: Birthplace of skate stoke  /  Enough filmers to get a 4th angle on your rocket-ass kickflop

Weaknesses: Hard to live up to a century of Hollywood hype  /  Show-business circle jerk  /  Traffic purgatory forces you to talk to Team Manager 

Line-Up: Too many to name





MIAMI TECHNITIONS

Strengths: Beautiful women  /  Acceptance of strange fashions, trends, pastels  /  America’s dong can’t be wrong

Weaknesses: Nightlife zombies  /  Swamp ass  /  Sketchy creeps with suspicious wealth  /  Knowing that it's actually spelled "Technicians"

Line-Up: Jamie Foy  /  Zion Wright  /  Evan Smith  /  Pedro Delfino





RICHMOND, VA DIRT DOGS

Strengths: East Coast underdogs always have secret spots  /  Cheap living  /  Sleepy southern cops  /  GWAR afterbirth has spawned interesting freaks

Weaknesses: Confederate-era roads are urethane-unfriendly  /  Sahara summers, Arctic winters  /  Rednecks and yuppies form a yin-yang balance of bummer

Line-Up: Gilbert Crockett  /  Josh Swyers  /  Trent Hazelwood  /  Bernie McGrew





SAN DIEGO POOL SHARKS

Strengths: Throw a rock: hit a skate prodigy  /  Spotting rad ex-pros from every decade  /  Washington St. is polar opposite of daycare, pad-nanny parks

Weaknesses: Dudes with saltwater brains  /  Even the skate-stoppers have skate-stoppers  /  Hearing that “Smolik already landed that in 1999”

Line-Up: Wes Kremer  /  Tommy Sandoval  /  Peter Hewitt  /  Lots of transplant rippers




PORTLAND BOWL TROLLS

Strengths: Huge old-man army  /  Proximity to the shoe biz  /  Took the world 25 years to catch up to Burnside’s DIY ethos

Weaknesses: Annoying Portlandia quotes still linger  /  Mildew grows on your couch, clothes, face  /  Unstoppable invasion of people fleeing California

Line-Up: Mark "Red" Scott  /  Neil Heddings  /  Matt Beach  /  Brent Atchley






CHICAGO CARCASS TOSSERS

Strengths: Self-contained scene not tripping on the “skate industry”  /  The wind saves you two pushes (depends on direction) 

Weaknesses: The wind adds four pushes (depends on direction)  /  The Sea Wall sucks—your board goes in the drink

Line-Up: Neen Williams  /  Kalis was there for a minute  /  Chaz Ortiz  /  Stevie Dread




DETROIT TANK GIRLS

Strengths: Hard knocks resilience  /  Buy a home for $9,001  /  A certain poetry to urban decay  

Weaknesses: Flea-bite sleep deprivation  /  Far-flung suburbanites all claim to know Eminem 

Line-Up: Elissa Steamer /  Lizzie Armanto  /  Leticia Bufoni  /  ...none are from The D, but whatever 




BOSTON SPOTHAWKS

STRENGTHS: Revolutionary spirit  /  Wonderful, horrible shop vids  /  Epic tea parties

WEAKNESSES: Beantown flatulence  /  The cobblestone blues  /  Post Traumatic Jereme Rogers Syndrome  /  Snobby Harvard grads

LINE-UP: PJ Ladd  /  Ryan Gallant  /  Dave Bachinsky  /  Nora Vasoncellos




MINNEAPOLIS, MN HESHERS

Strengths: Friendly folks  /  Work ethic  /  Fuck 'yo coastal envy

Weaknesses: Unfair "Fargo" stereotypes  /  Frostbite will mess you up  /  Ice fishing is really boring

Line-Up: Steve Nesser  /  Davis Torgerson  /  Darren Navarrette  /  Who's that one Santa Cruz dude... Henry Gartland!





PHILADELPHIA CRETE BANDITS

Strengths: Lingering clout of late ’90s Love Park  /  Cheap unhealthy food  /  Ricky Oyola

Weaknesses: Skate a national landmark = catch a felony  /  Our buddy said all the babes moved to New York

Line-Up: Chris Cole  /  Ishod Wair  /  Bam Margera  /  Anthony Pappalardo




NEW YORK SKATE RATS

Strengths: We’re supposed to say something about pizza, right?  /  Raw streets  /  A million opportunities

Weaknesses: Raw sewage  /  A million distractions  /  The city never sleeps but your friends never skate

Line-Up: The eternal stoke of Harold Hunter  /  Tyshawn Jones  /  Not really anyone else. You can’t spend one summer there and claim NYC, man